This is hilarious. Or sad. Mostly sad. But pretty hilarious.

I despise frivilous lawsuits. Students can sue teachers over bad grades. Criminals can sue homeowners for tripping on their property. And now, husbands can sue wives for being ugly.

No, seriously.

http://now.msn.com/man-sues-wife-for-being-ugly-after-their-ugly-baby-is-born

A woman in China was sued by her husband after she gave birth to a baby the husband considered so ugly he insisted she must have had an affair. After all, his wife was gorgeous and he clearly believes he is a dreamboat, so how could they have an ugly baby? When it came to light the woman had had a lot of plastic surgery before they met and the new daughter merely inherited her old face, the man not only divorced his wife, but sued her for the equivalent of $120,000 -- and won. The presiding judge ruled the man had technically married the woman under “false pretenses.”

There are so many things wrong with this scenario.

First, doesn't this guy know that just because two people are really, really, ridiculously good-looking, doesn't mean they won't have a Frankenstein of a kid? It's not a guarantee, man.

Second, how many times did this lady go under the knife? Did he never see any old photos of her? I guess if I used to look like Quasimoto (sp?) I'd hide my old pics, too.

Third, the judge sided with him?! Seriously? How was that false pretenses? So if you marry a woman that fake tans and you have a kid that looks like Casper, you can sue her and win six figures? Or if she dyes her hair? Fake nails? Colored contact lenses? Makeup? Where does it stop?

This just highlights what shambles our definition of marriage and family is in. This guy, rather than rejoice in the blessing of his newborn child, divorces and sues his wife. What a winner.

This is just plan sad. But when you first read the article, if you're like me, you still laughed.

Tres Anos

If time flies when you’re having fun, then my marriage has been the most fun time of my life. Three years ago I took my place at the end of an aisle and waited for my bride. She was worth the wait, not only that day, but in my life as well. I simply cannot imagine my life without her. “Where would I be? What would I be doing?” I ask myself. The answer doesn’t really matter, because nothing could be as sweet as the life I have been blessed with.

In our most recent year of marriage we had a few milestones. We purchased our first home. What a process that was! We continue, albeit slowly, to work on our home and add our personal touches. Once it’s finally presentable we will actually have people over. So we’ll see you in 2015.

We also became parents this year. To our four-legged child. Before you go thinking Heather gave birth to some weird kid with two extra limbs, we got a puppy. She has enriched our lives in ways I never even thought, and prepared us, in a way, for children. Down. The. Road. Our lives changed so much the day we brought her home. There is so much more responsibility, logistics about schedules, slobber and poop. Just like a human baby. I love watching my wife teach our puppy. She is consistent, patient and stern when she needs to be. It hammers home that fact that she will be a wonderful mother. Down. The. Road.

Wife went back to school. God revealed to us that she is in the field he created her for and she should take the next step toward a more permanent career in her field. I swell with pride watching her do her homework. It’s such a simple thing, but it shows that she values knowledge and wants to be successful. As she learns, it validates some of the things she already does at work, and that is awesome.

To my wife, thanks for working at SeaWorld camp seven years ago. Thanks for dating me. Thanks for saying, “Yes.” Thanks for saying, I Do.” Thanks for putting up with me everyday. Thanks for teaching your students, our pup and me. Thanks for being a Godly woman with unwavering faith. Thanks for bringing balance to my life. Thanks for never doing, saying or implying anything that suggests I am not enough. Thanks for loving me when I should be unlovable. Thanks for the last three years. Thanks for the next 50. Thanks.

I love you.

New Addition

Our home is now filled with the pitter patter of little feet. Four of them.

It may seem out of the blue, but according to Wife, she's been wanting one for the past two-and-a-half years of our marriage. Who am I to deny her something she's wanted for so long? A week ago we brought home our new addition, Kona. She is a shepherd mix from the Helen Woodward Animal Center. Wife had seen her on their adoptions website and we both thought she was very cute. Then she disappeared from the website and we figured it wasn't meant to be. If you know my wife, you know that one an idea is in her head, nothing will move it out. So she checked the website daily. All of a sudden that cute little sherpherd mix was back. "It's a Christmas miracle!" I kid you not, those were her words.

I left work early the next day so we could take a look. As I walked to my car, Wife called and informed me that we had to wait 30 minutes because she was being looked at by a family. As you may know, we both pray about our decisions as a couple. In our respective cars, unknown to the other at the time, we each prayed that if we weren't supposed to have her she would be adopted.

Thirty minutes passed, painstakingly for Wife, and she called back. Still available! We arrived at the shelter and set up a meeting. She was just as cute as her picture on the website. Perfect coloring and ears that flop halfway. She took to Wife immediately and pretty much thought she was a lap dog. Sure, it's cute now but when she's full-grown that simply will not be okay. She seemed high energy and a little mouthy, but what puppy isn't? Now came decision time...

If you know my wife at all you know how she is at making decisions. She deliberates. Then she analyzes. Then she ponders. Then she asks me what I think. Then she thinks some more. After the mental anguish, er, process, we adopted our little pup.

Her first night was flawless. She moved around a lot in her crate, but she never cried once. The next day we stayed at home and let her get used to the house and to us. She even handled the firework shows like a champ. That day she was a bit wary of a few things, including walkers, runners, skateboards, other dogs and various household appliances. With each passing day, however, she gets more comfortable and can now be on the same sidewalk as a runner and not bark. She seems very intelligent and is pretty much housebroken already. I wish I got a cookie everytime I went to the bathroom.

We have begun the training process with her. She knows how to sit and is working on stay. We ignore her when she nibbles our feet. She seems to really want to be good and please us. She wants our undivided attention and itsn't happy unless she is with us. This has, thankfully, gotten better each day and we can both leave a room without her being reduced to a puddle of whimpers.

She can, of course, be incredibly frustrating. I have to remind myself that she isn't going to behave like a five-year-old dog because, well, she isn't a five-year-old dog. I'm learning patience, albeit slowly. Overall she has been a wonderful puppy this week and we are very happy about our new edition.

Meet Kona:

Your Team Doesn't Always Have To Win

Sports fans are funny. We attach ourselves to organizations, teams, and players. If "we" don't win, we are devastaed. If "we" do, we are elated. We make up excuses as to why "we" lost, sometimes hanging on to those excuses for years. We always want "our" team to win.

Junior Seau was a great football player. Growing up as a Charger fan, he embodied the lightning bolt. He seemed to have twice as much energy as everyone else on the field. He was fun to watch. When news of his death hit, my mom sent me a text message that read, "Brings back so many memories of when you were young worshipping the Chargers."

I really did, man. I would set up a shrine every game in our living room. Clothing, cards, memorabilia, even my trashcan. I don't know if I thought it brought them good luck, but I did it every week.

That year the Chargers made it to the Superbowl, where the 49ers destroyed them 49-26. It's funny, because I will always remember the score. I guess it was burned into my brain right alongside anger, sadness, frustration and wonderings of why. Why did they have to lose? Why did they have to lose so badly? Why did the Niners have to be so stinking good with their Steve Young and their Jerry Rice? Why were we so overmatched?

My mom's text message made me realize that your team doesn't always have to win. She didn't say that Junior brought back memories of them losing the Superbowl. He brought back memories of me. That made me step back and realize that even though that team lost big time, there were some awesome times that year. Natrone Means bowling people over. Tony Martin sprinting down the sideline after catching a bomb from Stan Humphries. Andre Coleman returning kicks for touchdowns. Junior Seau perfectly timing the snap count and sacking the quarteback before he even knew what happened. Kurt Gouveia slapping the ball away in Pittsburgh to send "us" to the Superbowl. Driving to The Murph to welcome the team home from Pittsburgh with blue towels hanging out the car windows to mock those terrible Terrible Towels. The hope that "we" might win the biggerst game in football.

We lost. It really seemed to matter then. It doesn't anymore. Long after we are gone, people will forget what we have done. No matter our profession, no one will really remember. They will remember the kind of people we were and the impact we had on others. My mom didn't remember the Superbowl blowout. She remembered her son's ridculous shrine to "his" team. She remembered the effect that team had on others.

Your team doesn't always have to win.

Dinner for Eight: Inventors Edition

The third installment of Dinner for Eight features inventors. I will not know the names of some of these people, but would love to talk with them about their inventions and, you know, maybe score a freebie or two.

1. Alexander Graham Bell (Telephone) – I’d like to see Alex sitting at the dinner and someone pull out a smartphone. He’d be all, “Oh, what is that?” They would answer, “It’s my phone.” And then good ole Alex would probably have a coronary. And then he’d wonder, “Wait, so people walk around staring at their phones all day?” “Yep,” I’d say, “So much so that they tumble into fountains at shopping malls.”

2. Leonardo DaVinci (Just about everything) – They say that he had drawings of something like a helicopter. So naturally I’d have my dad’s chopper sitting outside. Leo could check it out and maybe go for a little ride. I could show him pictures of military choppers. He’d say, “Man, that’s what mine was missing. Guns mounted on the side!”

3. Unknown (Bacon-wrapped hot dogs) – I would invite this guy (it had to be a guy) so I could give him a gold star. You sir, took two wonderful things and combined them in an awesome way. What made you think of this culinary masterpiece? We would, of course, have some bacon-wrapped dogs for dinner.Bell and DaVinci would marvel at the culinary masterpiece. And all would be right with the world.

4. Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird (Ninja Turtles) – I’d thank these guys for my childhood. Ninja Turtles were so cool in so many ways. First of all, they were turtles who could walk, talk, and fight crime. Second, they used words like “cowabunga.” Third, they loved pizza. What more does one need? I'd get all my Turtles from my parent's attic and we'd play some serious heroes in a half-shell. Turtle power!

5. Unknown (Wheel) – So many things would be nothing without the wheel. Cars wouldn’t do much. Planes would land a little rougher. Pat Sajak would host Fortune. Shoes would have to be used for, um, walking. Anyway, the inventor of the wheel would show up and I’d hand him a pair of those Heelie shoes and watch him go nuts. Wait, that would mean I’d have to buy a pair of Heelies. Nevermind.

6. Harold E. Edgerton (Strobe light) – How cool would my dinner party be with a strobe light? It would like we were all eating in slow motion, but nothing would feel slower. Everyone would be confused. DaVinci, Bell, and Mr. Wheel would be off their rockers. I would have to put a sign on the door before people came in stating very clearly that this dinner party may cause seizures. That might scare people away. Hmm.

And the "What the heck?" guest of the evening:

7. Unknown (Snuggie) – The inventor of the Snuggie would knock on the door. I’d answer it with a bathrobe turned backward. He/She would say, “Oh hey, you’ve got yourself a Snuggie.” I would reply, “Nope. This is my bathrobe turned backward. Pretty much the same, huh?” Then Mr./Mrs. Snuggie would see my door slam in his/her snug little face.

8. The host. The planner. The maker of the seating chart. Oh neat, more seating dilemmas.  I feel like it would be nice to seat all the old time inventors together. But I also feel like everyone would want to play some Ninja Turtles. This seating chart doesn't really matter. So long as Mr./Mrs. Snuggie is locked out, we're good to go. Man, now I want a bacon-wrapped hot dog. And a strobe light.

Dinner for Eight: TV Character Edition

For my second dinner party, I will invite TV characters. They have to be characters, meaning fictional. So I won’t be inviting Alex Trebec. Not that I would anyway. I’ve heard he’s not very nice. Oh, and they can’t be animated. That party comes later.

1. Jack Bauer (24)– How could you not invite this guy? I know he may not bring much to the table in terms of stimulating conversation, but as long as he yells, “We’re running out of time!” at least once, this dinner will be golden. He’d also have some interesting stories about, you know, being tortured and stuff. Plus, my text message alert is the CTU telephone ring, and that might get a reaction out of him.

2. Shawn Spencer (Psych) – Wait for iiiiit. This is one of my favorite TV characters. He is witty, sarcastic, and downright goofy. The one-liners he delivers are pure gold. He would be great comic relief. Plus, if anyone got murdered, he’d use his keen observational psychic skills to solve the mystery. I’d be tempted to also invite his partner Ovaltine Jenkins Gus, but I don’t think there’s room.

3. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) – Okay, I know he’d be complaining the entire time about how we weren’t eating Thai food on his Thai food night; or how his seat is not in the cross breeze of the open windows or it's in a spot where there is a glare on the TV. But still, dude is hilarious. And you know that at some point, Bauer would get fed up with him and just scream. Anything that gets Bauer to scream is added bonus. Bazinga.

4. Dr. Gregory House (House) – As long as he’s back on Vicodin, he can come in. He was pretty boring when he wasn’t. He would also be comic gold, but in a much darker way. He would find a way to insult everyone at the table and make them feel about this big (I’m holding my thumb and forefinger very close together). I’d like to see him insult Bauer. No, I’d like to see the aftermath. You know, when Bauer shoots him in the kneecap. Of his good leg.

5. Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy) – As if this table needs more comic relief. There are two reasons I’d invite Lucy: to have her stomp on some grapes in my kitchen and to see what she actually looks like in color. I think it would mesmerize me.

6. Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars) – I don’t care that I’ve never seen a second of this show. I don’t care that it wouldn’t really be Kristen Bell attending my party, but her on-screen character. Just knowing the love for sloths she harbors, she gets a seat at my party. If Bauer was screaming and House was insulting, she might leave that safety zone of 3-7 on the emotional scale and cry. Then I’d give her a sloth to make her feel better.

7. For my “What the heck?” guest I choose the little sister from Family Matters. You know, What’s-Her-Face Winslow.I just want to ask her what happened to her? Where did she go? Did she get grounded for like five years? Was she arrested for trying to murder Urkel? What has she been up to since her disappearance? I know she would just sit there all quiet for the entire meal, but I’d be too busy listening to Spencer make jokes and Bauer scream at Cooper to care.

8. Me – The host. The organizer. The maker of the seating chart. Here we go again, another seating chart. I’d sit Bauer and House across from each other. I think they’d try to kill each other with stares. Spencer would have to be at the foot of the table so he could see everyone. Just in case someone does decide to be homicidal. Mars and Ricardo would probably get along. Cooper would probably refuse to sit down, no matter where I put him. It’s not “his spot” after all. And Winslow, well, I’d sit her somewhere outside. Because nobody would miss her. Bazinga.

Dinner for Eight: Sports Edition

While driving to work last week, the morning show I was listening to was talking about Dinner for Eight. This is where you create a guest list for a dinner party of eight people, yourself included. So you get to invite seven people over for dinner. Any seven people. Alive or dead. I quickly realized that I would not be able to only have one dinner party. That's just too hard. I'd end up cutting my wife from the guest list. Then after dinner, I'd be sleeping on the couch. So here is my sports edition of Dinner for Eight:

1. Michael Jordan - I am not nearly as enamored with his Airness as I was as a child of the 90's, watching him dominate the sport. But he is still considered by most as the greatest basketball player to ever play the game. I'd mostly just want his autograph, even if it was on a dirty napkin. Then he'd probably try to start a poker game with a $50,000 ante. At that point, I'd send him home. In his private jet.

2. Steve Prefontaine - If you don't know Pre, you probably aren't a long-distance runner. Or at least related to one. Pre was a runner back when runners were rock stars. He died at the age of 24, before he had even entered his prime. At the time, he owned every single American record from 2,000 meters to 10,000 meters. That is absolutely insane. I would talk to Pre about how he managed to push his body beyond what it should have been capable of. I would ask him to predict how fast he could have been if he were living in today's world of better nutrition, training, and technology. I'd also ask him the secret to his epic 'stache.

3. Ryan Hall - Possibly as close to a Pre-like figure as we have today, marathon-wise. The man is the fastest American marathoner. Ever. And that includes African-born runners who have gotten U.S. citizenship. I saw Ryan run once in high school. Dude was fast. Now he's fast over a much longer distance. He can basically run the pace of my fastest mile (4:39) for 26.2 miles. I can't fathom that. He is also a believer in Jesus and lets his running flow out of his faith. I would probably want Ryan to stick around after everyone else left so we could talk faith and running. After we digested, we'd head out on a run. Something short...you know, 15 miles or so.

4. Dr. James Naismith - The inventor of my first love: basketball. He nailed two peach baskets to the walls of a gymnasium, gave some guys a soccer ball, told them not to kick it, and the game was born. I'd ask him his thoughts on today's game. Could he ever have imagined it would become what it is? He'd have some opinions about Michael Jordan transcending his game. And, like most red-blooded humans, he would be raving mad about LeBron's Decision. Before he left for the night, I'd thank Dr. Naismith for inventing the game that I grew up playing. Perhaps we'd play a game of H-O-R-S-E. On a real hoop. Without Michael, just to be fair.

5. Bill Bowerman - The University of Oregon long-distance coach when Prefontaine ran there. I'd pick his brain about getting the most out of his athletes. I'd ask him what he thinks about the current state of Nike, which he founded. We'd get out the waffle iron and whip up some running shoes. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch Prefontaine or Without Limits, both biopics on the life of Pre. Bowerman might be a little tough to have at a dinner party, being so gruff and all. But he'd be great to talk to.

6. Michael Phelps - How could you not want to talk to someone so dominant? My sister grew up a competitive swimmer, so I can appreciate what this guy has done. I'd also be curious to see just how much dinner he could eat, being that he downs like 12,000 calories a day when he's training. Then I'd snap a picture of us and post it on my sister's Facebook wall. In the caption I'd be all,  "Me and my buddy Michael Phelps." But if he tried to bring in any weed, I'd have to snap the picture at the door and send him on his way. Then he'd go to the corner store in search of massive quantities of Doritos. That's what happens when you do drugs, kids. No one wants you to come over for dinner.

I think every dinner should have a "What the heck?" attendee, so...

7. Tonya Harding - Stay with me here. Wouldn't it be interesting to get inside that head? I mean, what was it like to know you couldn't win, but want to so badly that you resort to getting someone to crack your competition's knee? Does she regret it? Was it worth it? Of course, I'd seat her well away from my rolling pin or anything else that could look like a knee-striking object.

8. Me - The host. The organizer. The maker of the seating chart. Oh, don't even get me started on the seating chart. Logically, Jordan and Naismith should sit next to each other. Pre and Bowerman. Ryan Hall would be cool for me to sit next to. But no one wants to sit next to Harding. Could I do that to Phelps? If I put Harding at the foot of the table so as to not seat her next to anyone, I'd have to look at her all night from the head of the table, and no one wants that. See, I told you not to get me started on the seating chart.

That's my Sports Edition of Dinner for Eight. Tune in next time for another group of dinner guests.