Dinner for Eight: TV Character Edition

For my second dinner party, I will invite TV characters. They have to be characters, meaning fictional. So I won’t be inviting Alex Trebec. Not that I would anyway. I’ve heard he’s not very nice. Oh, and they can’t be animated. That party comes later.

1. Jack Bauer (24)– How could you not invite this guy? I know he may not bring much to the table in terms of stimulating conversation, but as long as he yells, “We’re running out of time!” at least once, this dinner will be golden. He’d also have some interesting stories about, you know, being tortured and stuff. Plus, my text message alert is the CTU telephone ring, and that might get a reaction out of him.

2. Shawn Spencer (Psych) – Wait for iiiiit. This is one of my favorite TV characters. He is witty, sarcastic, and downright goofy. The one-liners he delivers are pure gold. He would be great comic relief. Plus, if anyone got murdered, he’d use his keen observational psychic skills to solve the mystery. I’d be tempted to also invite his partner Ovaltine Jenkins Gus, but I don’t think there’s room.

3. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) – Okay, I know he’d be complaining the entire time about how we weren’t eating Thai food on his Thai food night; or how his seat is not in the cross breeze of the open windows or it's in a spot where there is a glare on the TV. But still, dude is hilarious. And you know that at some point, Bauer would get fed up with him and just scream. Anything that gets Bauer to scream is added bonus. Bazinga.

4. Dr. Gregory House (House) – As long as he’s back on Vicodin, he can come in. He was pretty boring when he wasn’t. He would also be comic gold, but in a much darker way. He would find a way to insult everyone at the table and make them feel about this big (I’m holding my thumb and forefinger very close together). I’d like to see him insult Bauer. No, I’d like to see the aftermath. You know, when Bauer shoots him in the kneecap. Of his good leg.

5. Lucy Ricardo (I Love Lucy) – As if this table needs more comic relief. There are two reasons I’d invite Lucy: to have her stomp on some grapes in my kitchen and to see what she actually looks like in color. I think it would mesmerize me.

6. Veronica Mars (Veronica Mars) – I don’t care that I’ve never seen a second of this show. I don’t care that it wouldn’t really be Kristen Bell attending my party, but her on-screen character. Just knowing the love for sloths she harbors, she gets a seat at my party. If Bauer was screaming and House was insulting, she might leave that safety zone of 3-7 on the emotional scale and cry. Then I’d give her a sloth to make her feel better.

7. For my “What the heck?” guest I choose the little sister from Family Matters. You know, What’s-Her-Face Winslow.I just want to ask her what happened to her? Where did she go? Did she get grounded for like five years? Was she arrested for trying to murder Urkel? What has she been up to since her disappearance? I know she would just sit there all quiet for the entire meal, but I’d be too busy listening to Spencer make jokes and Bauer scream at Cooper to care.

8. Me – The host. The organizer. The maker of the seating chart. Here we go again, another seating chart. I’d sit Bauer and House across from each other. I think they’d try to kill each other with stares. Spencer would have to be at the foot of the table so he could see everyone. Just in case someone does decide to be homicidal. Mars and Ricardo would probably get along. Cooper would probably refuse to sit down, no matter where I put him. It’s not “his spot” after all. And Winslow, well, I’d sit her somewhere outside. Because nobody would miss her. Bazinga.