Rants. And a Few Raves.

1. The Sad Meal

McDonald's has managed to sink to new levels of lame. The new "Happy" Meal will have fewer fries and apples in place of the fries they take away. First of all, Happy Meals have like ten fries to begin with. I mean, they come in that tiny paper sleeve the size of a postage stamp. So in this new version, there are like eight fries. Neat. And they come with apples regardless of whether you want them or not. No, no, you don't get a choice of all fries or less fries plus apples. They just give you less fries plus apples. You wanna know why? Because parents are idiots. They can't tell their kids no, so McDonald's feels like they have to change something because everyone blames them for kids getting fat. News Flash: it's not the Happy Meal's fault! If your kid asks for McDonald's, and you don't want them to have it, say, "NO!" I don't eat at McDonald's, and haven't in a long time. Not because I think it will make me fat, but because I don't think their food is very good. But when I have kids, if I want to give them a special treat in the form of a Happy Meal, I don't want it to have apples in it. That is NOT a special treat. They can have apples at home. And they will. They can't have golden, delicious fries at home, because no one can replicate those things. The fries, by the way, are the only thing under the arches worth eating in terms of taste. So now my kids are forced to have apples because people can't tell their fat kids no. Thanks, guys.


2. My Fellow Motorists

Stop taking my safe driving as an invitation to cut me off. I do not tailgate people. I would like to, you know, get home without ending up in the back seat of the car in front of me. So if I am leaving, let's just say, 15 feet between my car and the one in front of me, that is not an invitation to cram your 14-foot vehicle in between us. You see, now I am tailgating you. Just because your vehicle can fit doesn't mean it should. Knock it off. Please.


3.Heinz

They just made a new fast food ketchup container. After like three years of research and development. Three years, really? What was the problem? Well, you see, people were so upset with the difficulty and mess of the old containers, that they would just completely skip ordering fries if they were going to eat in their car. Oh no. Heaven forbid people don't order fries. Okay, I get that fries are important to a ketchup company, but come on. Here's an idea: get out of your car and actually walk into the restaurant. Then you can make all the ketchup mess you want. This new ketchup container is called the Dip n' Squeeze. Or Squeeze n' Dip. I don't remember, but neither option sounds like ketchup. You can squeeze it out one end, or peel back the cover and dip right in. Are we still talking about ketchup? It has three times the ketchup of the old packs. Here's my problem with it: because people are so dumb about ketchup, this new container costs like three times as much. Restaurants give these away free. How long will this last when they pay three times the old price for ketchup? Get ready to be charged for ketchup or see the price of your beloved burgers and fries go up. Have fun with that. Why are two of my rants about fast food? I'm not even sure, because I don't even eat it.


4. People Who Honk at Me While I'm Running

I don't know you. If I do, you're in a car. By the time the heart attack you just gave me goes away and I look in the direction of the horrible noise, you have sped by. I can't tell who you are. "Hey, I saw you running the other day," you'll say. "Oh did you honk at me?" You'll reply, "Yeah, that was me." "You owe me a new pair of shorts, because your honking caused me to soil mine. They're like 15 bucks. I don't take checks. Thanks."